CODE IN TOKYO

How Many People in Your Life Can Say, "Don't Cry. Be a Man"?

Children were running through the train station.

One of them fell hard.

Just as he was about to burst into tears, one of his friends called out to him.

“Don’t cry. Be a man.”

Watching that scene, I found myself thinking.

In modern relationships, how rare is it to say exactly what you feel, directly to another person?

Beyond “Even Close Relationships Need Manners”

It is not that I have no friends. But I usually speak to people in polite language.

This may sound surprising, but I even use fully polite language with my younger brother.

When we were children, we fought almost every day. But from around high school, our relationships and social circles separated completely. Now the distance between us feels almost like that between acquaintances.

If I go back to my parents’ home during New Year’s and he happens to be there, we may see each other. In the past few years, even that has not happened, and we do not arrange family gatherings in advance.

I can still speak a little more freely with my parents, but even there, I hold something back.

Part of it is consideration. My parents have gotten older, so I try to avoid wording that feels too harsh. When I was a teenager, I was much more cheeky.

In Japan, there is a proverb: “Even close relationships need manners.” My relationships seem to follow that idea very closely, with a certain distance maintained almost by default.

For me, the only person I can probably speak to with anything close to complete honesty is my wife.

Of course, this is only my personal experience. Even among Japanese people, the sense of distance in relationships varies from person to person. I should make that clear.

Thinking About the Closeness of Filipino Relationships

I take online English lessons every day.

When I talk with Filipino teachers, I am often surprised by the closeness of their family ties and personal relationships.

Sending money to family is considered normal. Sometimes relatives ask for money directly. The teachers themselves often laugh and say, “It can be troublesome too.”

When I hear that, I do not simply think, “Open relationships overseas are wonderful.” Very close relationships come with their own difficulties.

Still.

There are moments when I honestly find myself wishing I had that kind of closeness too.

A Place Where You Can Take Off Your Armor

“Don’t cry. Be a man.”

Whether that phrase is good or bad is a separate question. What struck me was that there was no hesitation and no social calculation in it. It was just one child throwing his honest feeling directly at another.

As adults trying to survive in society, many of us wear a careful kind of armor called politeness.

It protects us from getting hurt, and it helps us avoid hurting others. It is also a very practical form of wisdom for living in society.

But if there is even one person in your life with whom you can take off that armor and say what you really think, perhaps that is a very fortunate thing.

For me, I think that person is my wife.

That said, it is not as if I say absolutely everything I think.

Naturally, she talks back.

If I think something might make her angry, I still choose my words.

In the end, there are many things I swallow because I decide it would be more peaceful not to say them.

Apparently, for me, AI may be the only partner I can speak to without wearing that armor.

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